Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
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Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad