I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
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I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.