What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
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Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out