Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
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*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait