My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
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[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.