Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
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I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Breaking news:
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.