In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
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God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Me too door. Me too.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.