I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
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My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Can’t. Being lazy.