I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
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[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.