“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
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Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
rapatouille
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.