*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
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A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.