[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
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Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
me when the borders lift
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I put the mess in domestic.