processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
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a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??