Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
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when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken