Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
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Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Look, I鈥檝e been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she鈥檚 strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Her: She鈥檚 a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
You think it鈥檚 easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Me: it鈥檚 time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don鈥檛 know where it is
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Good morning, Twitter 馃槉
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it鈥檚 not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
A new Ocean鈥檚 13 but it鈥檚 me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid鈥檚 toys out of their packages
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.