You are what you delete.
You Might Also Like
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*