He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
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I like crazy people until they notice me
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur