70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
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Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us