Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
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Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.