How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
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I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
If you don鈥檛 agree with someone鈥檚 religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they鈥檒l absolutely change their minds
SCHR脰DINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHR脰DINGER: Your cat’s dead.
You can鈥檛 change your past but you can change your pasta.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 馃檮
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.