Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
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I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out