4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
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I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Storm Tropical Storm
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The glory of fall.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.