Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
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Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*