Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
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Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I don’t get marriage
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana