Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
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Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct