He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
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My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Me :
All Day At Night
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Happy Halloween 🎃
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest