3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
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God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Most fashion shows these days…
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Jogging has never helped my memory.