#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
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No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Rambo Rambow
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
he looks great for his age