My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
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BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.