This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
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*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Ah..makes sense now
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema