“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
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when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Bed should get ready for ME
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?