It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
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Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.