So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
You Might Also Like
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her