And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
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If you made me mad in the 90s, I鈥檇 pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don鈥檛 think I鈥檓 gloating.
Welcome to your 40s: you鈥檙e not exhausted that鈥檚 just your face now.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
馃ぃ
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with