Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
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Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago