We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
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Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town