(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
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So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years