I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
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My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Well, this explains it:
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
and now we wait
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science