Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
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Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles