“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
In space, no one can hear…
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
When libraries troll their patrons.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
*pronounces patio like ratio