[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
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[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup