Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
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The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
what could possibly go wrong?
I’m Sold!
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”