Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
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My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware