Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
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When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
The asteroid..
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.