90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
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The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
If I ignore life will it go away?
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.