ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
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This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
The French cow says MEUX…
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!