Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
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Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
somebody come look at this
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.