All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
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“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??