Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
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Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
me linking you to my twitter
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.