I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
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I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.